On Intermarriage

The main consequence of marrying outside the Jewish religion, growing up in an observant community on Long Island, was made clear at an early age: disappointment. But for me, as a young adult, this was not enough of a incentive to stay away from non-Jewish women. There was something alluring about it, much more than cheeseburgers. However, my background held sway: intermarriage was not something I would embrace for myself.

When I first became a cantor, the question of whether or not to officiate at intermarriages didn’t arise. It’s only been in the last five years that I’ve had to make choices about it. To what extent was I comfortable officiating? What were my criteria? Did the non-Jewish partner need to commit to living a Jewish life? Having been certified first by the Conservative and then by the Reform movement factored in to this as well.

So I experimented. Most often the non-Jewish partner had no religious conviction and was supportive of the Jewish partner’s choice to have a cantor officiate. As one who is interested in supporting positive Jewish life, I enjoyed this opportunity. But about a year ago I faced a more difficult choice: to co-officiate with a priest for a couple whose non-Jewish partner was deeply committed to Catholicism. I chose to go for it.

As you can guess, it was a wonderful experience. What swayed me was the degree of respect and love that the couple had not only for one another but also for their respective spiritual journeys. It also made a difference to learn that they were so close to their families and that their families were supportive of their choice. I enjoyed officiating with the priest, too. His personal style and approach to the liturgy was interesting and delightful, too.

For me the question I ask is how open and respectful are the couple toward their differing religions and have they considered how they will proceed as a couple and (perhaps) as a family of mixed religions. Also of consideration is whether or not their extended family is supportive, and how can I be of service to guide them should they need help bringing both sides together.

In the case where one partner is Jewish and the other is not but has no other religion I ask the couple if their intention is to live as a Jewish couple and (possibly) family. If so, I offer my guidance in directing them as they grow together finding their new identity as a Jewish couple.

All couples are blessed and all couples are beautiful. I invite you to enjoy the spiritual feelings, connection to your ancestors, and all the celebration that a Jewish wedding offers.